Condolences to Gary (simsgw)
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Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 2,759
From: NJ
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I thank you all for your kind thoughts, and if you'd like to know more about Cindy I'm preparing a memorial page for her that is probably usable even at this early stage. She liked sports cars and had several of her own, including an NSX, but her real love was horses and there's a nice video there from the days when we were young and she was not so fragile as recent memory insists.
I'm going all 21st century with this because she insisted on having no memorial ceremony, no memorial stone, nor even a burial. Just cremation and her ashes to be scattered at a place beloved to her. She also made me promise to let her die at home and "not stuck full of tubes." I found that to be the most difficult promise I've ever had to fulfill. The impulse to try anything at all to extend her life was almost unconquerable. But I promised and it went with the one fifty years ago.
I haven't come back sooner because I'm having trouble dealing with this. Not just the grief, which is bad enough, but I'm suddenly without a rudder. Men grow up -- or at least we did in my generation -- being taught how to be a good husband, then a good father, and even how to retire with dignity and plan for the day you left your wife a widow. But 'widower' isn't something they taught me.
I'm working on it. Today, I left the house for the first time in a month, and I just drove. Put the C2S on cruise control pointed down one of our long mountain highways. Spent the time talking to some people I've loved, and wishing they could answer. Went 129 miles according to the trip computer, and averaged only 44.2 mph, so I was fairly sedate about it. Most of the time. Stopped for lunch and a fool in a pick-up truck tried to dispute my accelerating to move over from a disappearing lane. Not that I did anything but humiliate him, but I find there's a lot of anger buried under the grief. Having to watch my high school sweetheart die and not being able to find a way to help beyond holding her hand and moistening her lips has me tied in knots.
The car did well as a place to meditate. Hope I do as well as a widower.
Gary
I'm going all 21st century with this because she insisted on having no memorial ceremony, no memorial stone, nor even a burial. Just cremation and her ashes to be scattered at a place beloved to her. She also made me promise to let her die at home and "not stuck full of tubes." I found that to be the most difficult promise I've ever had to fulfill. The impulse to try anything at all to extend her life was almost unconquerable. But I promised and it went with the one fifty years ago.
I haven't come back sooner because I'm having trouble dealing with this. Not just the grief, which is bad enough, but I'm suddenly without a rudder. Men grow up -- or at least we did in my generation -- being taught how to be a good husband, then a good father, and even how to retire with dignity and plan for the day you left your wife a widow. But 'widower' isn't something they taught me.
I'm working on it. Today, I left the house for the first time in a month, and I just drove. Put the C2S on cruise control pointed down one of our long mountain highways. Spent the time talking to some people I've loved, and wishing they could answer. Went 129 miles according to the trip computer, and averaged only 44.2 mph, so I was fairly sedate about it. Most of the time. Stopped for lunch and a fool in a pick-up truck tried to dispute my accelerating to move over from a disappearing lane. Not that I did anything but humiliate him, but I find there's a lot of anger buried under the grief. Having to watch my high school sweetheart die and not being able to find a way to help beyond holding her hand and moistening her lips has me tied in knots.
The car did well as a place to meditate. Hope I do as well as a widower.
Gary
Gary,
I am in tears reading this, it is such a wonderful story. I don't know what to say except your wife and you are what love and commitment are all about. I wish you peace everyday and you are in my and many other people prayers this day.
Mike
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From: Philadelphia & The Bahamas
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Gary, I was widowed young just over 5 years ago. My late wife, best friend of 18 years and fellow car enthusiast had just turned 36 and I was about to turn 40. Not only can I sympathize with your newfound loss and grief, but I can empathize more than you can imagine. Glad to share some thoughts both on how to survive this experience as well as how to best position yourself for the future. Will PM my contact info but please hold it in confidence. My condolences on your loss.
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Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,076
From: SF Bay area
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Gary -
Please let me know if you want to talk. I also lost my wife at a very young age (she was 35) and I know the pain you are going thru. Try and take it just one day at a time, there is no 'feel better' solution except time, and that is so very hard to accept.
Be strong and try to remember all the good times...
-Tony
PS Check your PM
Please let me know if you want to talk. I also lost my wife at a very young age (she was 35) and I know the pain you are going thru. Try and take it just one day at a time, there is no 'feel better' solution except time, and that is so very hard to accept.
Be strong and try to remember all the good times...
-Tony
PS Check your PM
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Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 151
From: Illinois
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Gary,
I have neither met you nor your spouse, but reading your note makes it obvious you miss her very very dearly. Accept my heartfelt condolences and look forward to seeing you back in full swing with all your input here on the forum. May she rest in peace.
I have neither met you nor your spouse, but reading your note makes it obvious you miss her very very dearly. Accept my heartfelt condolences and look forward to seeing you back in full swing with all your input here on the forum. May she rest in peace.
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 164
From: Minnesota
Rep Power: 23
Ditto. My deepest condolences Gary. My wife and I will be raising a glass at 9pm tonight to you and Cindy.
Dave.
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Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 764
From: California
Rep Power: 67
I'll be away from the forum for awhile, but I'll be back, and your thoughts have helped me. These and some private messages from other men who've gone through this. We really do need a manual on "How to be a Widower", you know?
Gary
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