Thought you guys might enjoy this story...
#1
04-19-2011, 11:12 AM
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Chapel Hill, NC
Posts: 116
Rep Power: 18 
Thought you guys might enjoy this story...
Normally I wouldn't bother throwing something like this up here but it had me rolling so I thought I'd share.
Our journey begins as I was at a very late dinner/drinks the other night with my girlfriend and she points out some guy posted up at the bar and tells me she has a funny story to share. We both recently moved down to Charleston, SC for better job opportunities and have been getting to know the area. Last week my girlfriend and some of her other friends (about 8 in total) went out to a local bar for some drinks.
True to Charleston's persona a walking ad from the pages of "Sailing and You Today" walks up to talk to the group; think typical southern Frat star. Croakies, seersucker, Sperrys the whole bit (none of which I'm hating on I'm guilty as well but not to the degree this guy embraces his affinity for pastel checkerboard shirts...).
He starts talking to the group and is pretty much harmless for the first 0.05 seconds. Not bad mind you as deutschiness usually has a shelf life of 0.047 seconds. Seeking sleaze opportunity and to feel out the crowd he mentions he's a “big shot” lawyer working in town from Mississippi. Upon hearing this my gf responds that she went to LSU. Slightshot...Engage, Monty here (made up name, it just fits...) immediately latches onto this fact (I guess being anywhere from the south with a bordering state justifies getting a little too personal, plus the fact that my gf was a LSU cheerleader didn't hurt) and so begins operation CornerThePrettyGirlAndIgnoreEveryoneElse...
He starts his dog and pony show getting into her ear with a slew of Googleable one liners and the typical "nice shoes, wanna f*ck" routine but is constantly met by my gf's stern "thanksmybflikesmyshoestooI'mgoingtoblowhimlat er" defense. She was feeling quite talkative that night otherwise she would have gone with “I want a baby, how do you feel about kids?!” defense (normally just as foolproof mind you). Raybans apparently doesn’t take a hint after three replies of this sort so he resorts to his “Big Guns…” after learning that both him and my gf live in the same complex…
“Oh you live in ______?! What a coincidence so do I! Maybe you’ve seen me driving my BMW around there. It is a nice car, you know they’re like the best cars out there for the money. Expensive and all but it is good…”
Ok. TimeOut. BMW drivers come in many flavors. There are true enthusiasts who can rattle off their BMWCCA number from memory and then as Clarkson would put it, there are ****s. This guy is the epitome of what I dislike about certain BMW driver’s. They drive a badge, not the machine engineered brilliantly for them to enjoy. This guy fell in the former category.[/rant]
After hearing this part of the story I immediately knew what was coming and wish, WISH I was a fly on the wall to watch the collapse that was about to happen. In a way I almost felt sorry for him, but I really didn’t. He didn’t slip on his boat shoes for his non-boating activities that night to get played like this. In a smartass/surprised/sarcastic/impressedbutnotimpressed way my gf presses him about his car and learns it is a 335i (no hate there) and that it is an auto (again no hate but generally 6sp>Auto for true enthusiast.Generally.). He goes on and on about the car trying to impress her with Tech Package this, Turbo that, 19’s roll, BMW blah, blah, blah etc. etc. and then thinking he’s nailed it, reaches deep in his bag of tricks and says in a Ron Burgundy tone “So yeah that is what I drive. Uh what does your guy friend drive…” He tips his Natty back, victory and another belt notch ounces away, his other hand on his cool sailboat/whale belt. She calmly responds “oh a Porsche…Turbo something. I LOVE that thing! He let me drive it once and it was really fast!”
And Boom goes the dynamite. Thing is, that isn’t even the kicker. As soon as Spalding realizes the stereotypical pillar on which he bases his self worth is crumbling he makes one last desperate ploy to “win her over.” “Well Porsches are nice and all but BMW’s are true driver’s cars. I mean they say they’re the “ultimate driving machine” for a reason.” Oh poor lad, daddy’s trust fund can’t save you from this…
My girlfriend bats her pretty eye lashes, takes a sip from her Vodka cranberry and says, “you know you’re right.” Ah, he’s back in the game! “…James thinks so too!” He’s confused, really confused. I can see his thoughts now…Wait doesn’t this guy drives a Porsche.?! This isn’t supposed to happen! This is Charleston, fish in a barrel, hot chicks with messed up dudes. That is how Charleston does! I’m a lawyer, I drive a BMW dammit! It is getting hot in this blazer. Will my frattymcfratster friends be disappointed? How can this happen?!…she quips ”he used to have a 5 series, E39 I think, but now has an E30 with (she rambles off Bilstein this, H&R that, 3.73 LSD, and all the other stuff I thought she never actually listened to me talk about)” and mentions that although she hates riding in it, she loves the fact that I have the car to work on and take to the track when I decide because it is the “ultimate driving machine.” “Oh he’s also looking at E92 M3’s, he’s going to get himself in trouble.”
…and I think that is about the time the guy had a stroke and/or shat himself. “Oh” was all he could muster followed by the dastardly clever “Uh, well that is cool too.” Apparently he “went to the bathroom” shortly after to clean up his ego and never came back. Stay classy.
So to end this epic journey (thank you for sticking it out) shortly following the story, I look over at the guy, grin, give a slight nod and tip of my delicious Golden Monkey and he didn’t look over for the rest of the night. As he walked out 15-20 minutes later, my Porsche was sitting in the corner of the parking lot in plain sight, E30 in tow on a trailer behind it as I’d just gotten into town from bringing it down from NC. Oh beauty in the irony.
The End.
Our journey begins as I was at a very late dinner/drinks the other night with my girlfriend and she points out some guy posted up at the bar and tells me she has a funny story to share. We both recently moved down to Charleston, SC for better job opportunities and have been getting to know the area. Last week my girlfriend and some of her other friends (about 8 in total) went out to a local bar for some drinks.
True to Charleston's persona a walking ad from the pages of "Sailing and You Today" walks up to talk to the group; think typical southern Frat star. Croakies, seersucker, Sperrys the whole bit (none of which I'm hating on I'm guilty as well but not to the degree this guy embraces his affinity for pastel checkerboard shirts...).
He starts talking to the group and is pretty much harmless for the first 0.05 seconds. Not bad mind you as deutschiness usually has a shelf life of 0.047 seconds. Seeking sleaze opportunity and to feel out the crowd he mentions he's a “big shot” lawyer working in town from Mississippi. Upon hearing this my gf responds that she went to LSU. Slightshot...Engage, Monty here (made up name, it just fits...) immediately latches onto this fact (I guess being anywhere from the south with a bordering state justifies getting a little too personal, plus the fact that my gf was a LSU cheerleader didn't hurt) and so begins operation CornerThePrettyGirlAndIgnoreEveryoneElse...
He starts his dog and pony show getting into her ear with a slew of Googleable one liners and the typical "nice shoes, wanna f*ck" routine but is constantly met by my gf's stern "thanksmybflikesmyshoestooI'mgoingtoblowhimlat er" defense. She was feeling quite talkative that night otherwise she would have gone with “I want a baby, how do you feel about kids?!” defense (normally just as foolproof mind you). Raybans apparently doesn’t take a hint after three replies of this sort so he resorts to his “Big Guns…” after learning that both him and my gf live in the same complex…
“Oh you live in ______?! What a coincidence so do I! Maybe you’ve seen me driving my BMW around there. It is a nice car, you know they’re like the best cars out there for the money. Expensive and all but it is good…”
Ok. TimeOut. BMW drivers come in many flavors. There are true enthusiasts who can rattle off their BMWCCA number from memory and then as Clarkson would put it, there are ****s. This guy is the epitome of what I dislike about certain BMW driver’s. They drive a badge, not the machine engineered brilliantly for them to enjoy. This guy fell in the former category.[/rant]
After hearing this part of the story I immediately knew what was coming and wish, WISH I was a fly on the wall to watch the collapse that was about to happen. In a way I almost felt sorry for him, but I really didn’t. He didn’t slip on his boat shoes for his non-boating activities that night to get played like this. In a smartass/surprised/sarcastic/impressedbutnotimpressed way my gf presses him about his car and learns it is a 335i (no hate there) and that it is an auto (again no hate but generally 6sp>Auto for true enthusiast.Generally.). He goes on and on about the car trying to impress her with Tech Package this, Turbo that, 19’s roll, BMW blah, blah, blah etc. etc. and then thinking he’s nailed it, reaches deep in his bag of tricks and says in a Ron Burgundy tone “So yeah that is what I drive. Uh what does your guy friend drive…” He tips his Natty back, victory and another belt notch ounces away, his other hand on his cool sailboat/whale belt. She calmly responds “oh a Porsche…Turbo something. I LOVE that thing! He let me drive it once and it was really fast!”
And Boom goes the dynamite. Thing is, that isn’t even the kicker. As soon as Spalding realizes the stereotypical pillar on which he bases his self worth is crumbling he makes one last desperate ploy to “win her over.” “Well Porsches are nice and all but BMW’s are true driver’s cars. I mean they say they’re the “ultimate driving machine” for a reason.” Oh poor lad, daddy’s trust fund can’t save you from this…
My girlfriend bats her pretty eye lashes, takes a sip from her Vodka cranberry and says, “you know you’re right.” Ah, he’s back in the game! “…James thinks so too!” He’s confused, really confused. I can see his thoughts now…Wait doesn’t this guy drives a Porsche.?! This isn’t supposed to happen! This is Charleston, fish in a barrel, hot chicks with messed up dudes. That is how Charleston does! I’m a lawyer, I drive a BMW dammit! It is getting hot in this blazer. Will my frattymcfratster friends be disappointed? How can this happen?!…she quips ”he used to have a 5 series, E39 I think, but now has an E30 with (she rambles off Bilstein this, H&R that, 3.73 LSD, and all the other stuff I thought she never actually listened to me talk about)” and mentions that although she hates riding in it, she loves the fact that I have the car to work on and take to the track when I decide because it is the “ultimate driving machine.” “Oh he’s also looking at E92 M3’s, he’s going to get himself in trouble.”
…and I think that is about the time the guy had a stroke and/or shat himself. “Oh” was all he could muster followed by the dastardly clever “Uh, well that is cool too.” Apparently he “went to the bathroom” shortly after to clean up his ego and never came back. Stay classy.
So to end this epic journey (thank you for sticking it out) shortly following the story, I look over at the guy, grin, give a slight nod and tip of my delicious Golden Monkey and he didn’t look over for the rest of the night. As he walked out 15-20 minutes later, my Porsche was sitting in the corner of the parking lot in plain sight, E30 in tow on a trailer behind it as I’d just gotten into town from bringing it down from NC. Oh beauty in the irony.
The End.
Last edited by PutterMcGavin; 04-19-2011 at 11:15 AM.
#3
04-19-2011, 04:00 PM
Registered User
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Southwest Florida
Posts: 1,724
Rep Power: 91 
No,thank you for sharing this gem of a story with us
Love your sense of humor and build up of the story
What a tool that Monty,you both played him to perfection
Love your sense of humor and build up of the story
What a tool that Monty,you both played him to perfection
#6
04-19-2011, 09:21 PM
Registered User
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Eastern Washington.
Posts: 1,658
Rep Power: 103
#7
04-19-2011, 09:43 PM
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Richmond,VA (USA)
Posts: 157
Rep Power: 20
Bahaha. I love it ~
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#10
04-20-2011, 11:08 AM
Great well written story! My first love before Porsches was the E46 M3. E39 was my favorite sedan at the time too. Please post pics of the E92 M3 when you decide to get it. Enjoy!
#12
04-20-2011, 02:42 PM
haha that's funny, I usually decline to mention both where I work and what car I drive unless very specifically asked.. even then I usually answer with car type / industry (yeah have this blue coupe and work in finance). annoys me when people think others should be impressed
